


If Things Were Different

by Kitchenator



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:33:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24551641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitchenator/pseuds/Kitchenator
Summary: Cullen wants to be there for the Inquisitor, but this isn't the time.
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford
Kudos: 8





	If Things Were Different

She was laughing again.

If there was one thing that could drag Cullen away from whatever he was doing, it that sound. No one was really sure whether he'd actually noticed himself, but others certainly had, especially when he was in the middle of conversation with them.

Today, he was dragged away from his desk, following the sound out onto the ramparts and leaning against it with a small affectionate smile on his lips as he looked down to find her still laughing with Blackwall and The Iron Bull. They each had weapons in hand, meaning they'd been training, but clearly one of them had said something.

Blackwall made another comment and the Inquisitor laughed harder, even from here, Cullen could tell that she had tears in her eyes.

Gratitude filled Cullen at this, glad that his companions were taking the time to make sure she laughed, to let her know that it wasn't serious all the time. He never said anything, but he knew that it weighed on her heavily, the tasks that they had before them, and had things been different…

Cullen averted his gaze for a moment, scalding himself for letting his mind wander again. This was not the time.

A scream got his attention then, but the rush of panic was quickly quelled as her laughter rang out again, and another smile and even a small chuckle leaves him as he sees her thrown over Bull's shoulder, struggling to try and get down, Blackwall roaring with laughter.

“You should know better by now than to tempt me boss.” He heard Bull say a rueful grin on his face. “I might just dunk you in a mud pile next.”

“You wouldn't dare!” She squealed through laughter as he started to walk. “Put me down!”

Luckily, she was saved by Josephine, who looked more than a little worried and confused at the situation, Blackwall falling almost instantly silent.

Cullen does laugh at this, both at Blackwall's reaction and at seeing the Inquistor, now very flushed, awkwardly put down by Bull. He couldn't help but note the slight drop in her shoulders as Josephine raised something that needed her immediate attention, and his heart ached a little, wanting to stop Josephine, but remaining silent as he observed.

“Uh…sir?”

Cullen jumped, having not realised that someone was beside him, and he felt heat creep into his cheeks. “What is it?” He hadn't meant to snap a little, but clearly the soldier was expecting it.

“Nightingale has some more reports for you,” He said quickly. “She said that they were rather urgent sir and needed your attention right away.”

“Oh,” Cullen looks away for a moment, but finds himself disappointed when he sees that the Inquisitor had already been whisked away inside by Josephine, Bull and Blackwall continuing their training below. “Alright, give them here, I'll get to them as soon as I can.”

Cullen sat heavily in in his chair with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Was it really too much to ask for just a moments rest? Was it really too much to want for her to be happy in a life she deserved. If things had been different…

Straightening up, realizing his train of thoughts, he pulls the new papers in front of him and starts to go through, throwing himself back into his work so he didn’t let his mind onto things that could be, he needed to focus on what was.

It was many hours later before Cullen moved again, stretching uncomfortably, realizing that he hadn’t moved I a while. With a heavy sigh, he stretches and then yawns widely, finally glancing outside and seeing that it was well and truly dark.

His stomach grumbled and for a moment, he was caught between trying to finish more work and getting up and going to find something to eat. An ache settled over him, deep in his bones, and with a groan, he knew that he had to move.

Cullen got to his feet, tidying his papers quickly before he made his way out. He drew in a deep breath of the cold air, a small wave of relief washing over him as it woke him up a little, keeping his mind off of sleep for the moment.  
The kitchens stilled smelled of the evening meals made for the guests of Skyhold, making Cullen realise just how hungry he was and for a moment he couldn’t actually remember when he’d last eaten. Luckily, one of the cooks was still there and she happily put a dish together for him, scalding him for not having eaten anything since breakfast.

He liked the cook, she was always a cheerful woman, if not a little stern, but she knew how to manage the staff and keep everything moving in the constant changing state of Skyhold, something that both Cullen, Josephine and Leliana were grateful for as it meant a little less for them to worry about.

“I suppose I shouldn’t scald you too much Commander,” The cook said cheerfully, but there was concern in her features. “It seems that the Inquisitor enjoys skipping meals too. With all she’s doing I wish she wouldn’t, poor thing. She needs to look after herself in all this too.”

Cullen found himself a little frozen at this, this being the first time that he’d heard anything like this before. “Did she not come down for dinner?”

The cook shakes her head. “No, she was with Lady Josephine all evening, said she’d come back later for a meal but she never did, which is most unlike her.”

He frowns. “Was a meal sent up to her?”

She shoots him a look. “It was left in the same spot as always Commander, however when one of the cleaners went to check later, it had been placed outside her door, untouched. She wouldn’t answer her door, so we didn’t know whether anything was wrong with it or whether she was even there.”

Cullen processed this slowly, he knew she hadn’t left otherwise he would’ve been informed, and he hadn’t heard anything unusual coming from the inn, and it usually got louder when she was there, so why would she not have had a meal?

He brings himself back round at the cooks look at him, making him clear his throat. “If you make me something for her as well, I can take it up to her.”

There was no missing the slight smile from the cook, who nods and gets back to her cheerful conversation, even as Cullen feels himself flush slightly.

Cullen had never been relieved to be out of the kitchens before, but he hurried out with food in hand, not wanting to give the cook any more to talk about with the other staff, the rumours from the soldiers enough to make him more than uncomfortable, and while no one had directly asked him about, he still maintained that this was not the time for such things.

Then he found himself outside the Inquisitors door. For the first time since he offered to her some food, he considered exactly what he was doing and how to possibly approach this.

_You’re just bringing her some food._ He thought to himself. _The cook mentioned it and…_

Cullen scalded himself, he talked to her every day, he was being ridiculous.

With a small, awkward knock on the door, he waited for a response, purposefully ignoring anyone further back in the room, including a certain dwarf who was sending a grin his way.

There was no response but Cullen could swear that he could hear a noise from her room, so, against what he would normally do, he opened the door and make his way upstairs.

As he made his way quietly up, he slowly realised what the noise was.

It was crying.

This gave him pause, worry trickling into his stomach, and for a small moment he wondered whether he should disturb her. That was when the crying turned to a heartbreaking sob and Cullen let his feet carry him forward.

The Inquisitor was at her desk, her elbows on her desk, her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she weeps openly.

Cullen’s heart breaks and he pauses. “Kela?”

Her head starts up, her eyes red and shining, and for a moment he thought that she would shake it off, but it seemed to just crumble her further.

“Cullen,” Her voice was hoarse, it almost sounding like a hiccup. “I…I’m sorry you have to see me like this…”

He stepped closer, quickly putting the food on her desk, his voice quiet. “Don’t apologise, are you alright?”

Tears welled up again and another sob breaks free from her before she can answer, shaking her head and hanging it so he can’t see her.

“Hey,” Cullen joins her by her side, kneeling next to her and gently touching her arm. “It’s okay.” He hesitates. “I can go if you want me to?”

The words had barely left him before Kela shakes her head and then turns and practically collapses into his arms, Cullen just managing to hold himself up and onto her, his heart racing until he realizes that she is shaking.

“Just stay with me,” She mumbles against him, her hands clutching onto him tightly. “Please.”

Cullen lets out a steadying breath and shifts so that he can sit, his back leaning against the wall and holding her close. “I’m here.”

Kela buries into his chest, her legs resting over the top of his, and Cullen wraps his arms around her, holding her close, his heart breaking more and more at each sob that breaks through her.

“I’m sorry,” She gasps through tears. “I…I shouldn’t….I should…”

“Easy,” Cullen’s voice was soft, gentle, soothing, his hand gently rubbing her arm. “I’m here Kela, I’m not going anywhere.”

A deep shudder goes through her, but it seems to be enough to know that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he was staying, that she was safe and secure in his arms. It took a little while, but Kela slowly settled, until only shuddering breathes broke the silence between them.

Cullen was worried, having never seen her like this before, having never seen her breakdown like this, sobbing and trembling, and before he could stop himself, his fingers brush gently through her hair. “Kela?”

Kela draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, but she remains securely in his arms still holding onto him. “It’s…just so much…”

She falls silent but it was enough for Cullen to understand, to know what had caused this outburst and his heart broke a little more, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it, that they were all feeling the pressure, but none more than her, the weight on her shoulders to get things fixed.

A small sniff breaks him from his thoughts, but Kela shifts only a little, getting more comfortable. “If things were different…”

His mind whirled and he was taken back for a moment before a small affectionate smile comes to him. “Yes, if things were different.”


End file.
